Feelings That Remain
by sleepyariel
Summary: Cas has been gone for far too long and Dean is longing for the nightmares to stop and to just see Castiel again. Everything has been hectic in the bunker lately and with the return of Cas, Dean is finally eating and sleeping again! Sammy has been acting oddly lately and no one knows why. And Dean is questioning his feelings about a particular angel.
1. Chapter 1

He bolted awake, sweating and confused. Glaring into the moonlit room, Dean ran his fingers through his hair until it stuck up on all sides. He was dreaming about Cas again. 'Goddamnit, when will these nightmares stop,' he whispered into the blackness.

The weeks had been slow and there were no recent hunts so he was stuck in the bunker with all these restless thoughts and dreams keeping him up at night. At first, it was just... Cas. He was sitting there all dorky and angelic, but he could never really see Dean. So Dean gave up in getting his attention and focused on the details instead, his unruly hair, shockingly blue eyes, the hunch of his shoulders, his trench coat, the gentleness of his hands. Recently, though, the dreams started getting worse. Cas would be hanging onto a ledge for dear life and Dean's hand would just phase through his when Dean would try to save him. Tonight's was Zachariah torturing Cas. Every cut, every injection, every plea was piercing Dean's heart. He was begging, pleading, to be put in Castiel's place. He hadn't seen Cas in so long that it was getting tougher to remember the good things to hold on to.

How long had it been since the angel had stopped by the bunker? He just simply disappeared... Dean had tried every number of summoning spells and had questioning other angels for months now. Sam had already given up and was telling Dean to move on, but he just couldn't. Castiel was his light when things got grey. Dean knew he was the reason Cas left. It was haunting him and goading him into madness. He was too drunk and had gotten into a fight with Cas, expecting it to blow over in the morning. Except Cas wasnt there the next morning so Dean could apologize for the harsh words. Blowing up and bringing all of Cas's failures into view again... It was a total dick-move. He wanted to hold Cas in his arms and whisper 'sorry' into his ears a million times. Wipe away the pain and anguish and finally be whole again. Once he saw Cas again he would make sure to never let him out of his sights. Cas would never get hurt again as long as Dean could help it.

Lying back in his bed, defeated, he wiped away his tears and tried to embrace the darkness, knowing he deserved the nightmares. Dean closed his bright green eyes and relaxed his body into the mattress, giving up all his longing for tonight and sinking into oblivion.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam wasn't there when Dean woke up. Probably off jogging or something; ugh, what a bore. Mornings were for sleeping and coffee, not jogging and fruit shakes. Dean shuffled across the kitchen and started the coffee-maker. A shadow fell in step behind him and when he looked up from pressing buttons on the machine, he was startled.

His heart was racing like the second-hand of a clock, trying to regain his breath. 'What the hell, Cas? Six months and you still scare the shit out of me when you reappear.' His voice broke on the last syllables and he embraced Castiel, trench coat and all. Some of his tears got on the back of Cas's neck, but he didn't mind. After a moment, Cas finally softened and returned the hug, surprised by Dean's care after so long. Sniffing and wiping his face, Dean pulled back and examined Cas. 'Where have you been, man? I've been on one-sided prayers for too long and now suddenly you show up out of the blue?'

Castiel waited a moment before his husky voice pierced through the silence. 'Dean...' he said, 'I didn't know if I was wanted anymore...' He looked down at the tile and shuffled his feet a little. Dean saw him biting his lip and got a sudden rush of emotions all over again. 'Dude, Cas, I swear that you'll always be wanted by me. That night... I was at a low point... I shouldn't have said those things and I'm so sorry. I've been paying for my mistake ever since; every day without you is hell, and I would know because I've been there.' Dean walked forward and lifted Cas's chin. 'I've done way too many things that I regret and I'm hoping that maybe you can forgive me for this one,' he questioned. Cas looked into his gorgeous green eyes, sparkling with tears and raw with emotion. 'Dean, you know I'll always forgive you, no matter what.'

They stared at each other for a while before Dean realized it was getting weird. He had just missed Cas so much, he thought there wouldn't be a next time to ruffle his hair or put a smile on his face. 'Hell, man, I'm just glad you're finally back,' he said with a grin as wide as ever, holding Cas's shoulder, 'What took you so long, anyway?' Cas responded with a grunt. 'I lost track of time... The first night I left has become a bit hazy. I ravaged a liquor store and coped with whatever problems had ensued. Then, I went back to live with the bees.' Dean rolled his eyes and snorted at that, what was up with Cas and those fuckin' bees? How can he live like that?

And so the story continued until Cas had run out of breath and details, finally explaining that he had heard Dean's prayers, every night, and gave in to the idea of coming back. He had missed Dean every second and was punishing himself for setting him off and causing the yelling and fighting that occurred.

An ill-timed Sam came tumbling through the door after his jog, leaving Castiel and Dean feeling a bit awkward about getting so close and personal with each other. Once he saw Cas he was taken aback. 'Holy shit... Cas, it's so great to see you-oh my god, I thought you were dead. Are you okay?' He pulled Cas into a quick hug, the words coming out so fast, Cas could hardly keep up with them if he tried. He smiled at Sam, who looked better than ever. 'It's so great to see you, Sam, I'm glad you're doing well.' Dean was busy warming up his forgotten coffee and glancing over at Cas every few seconds to make sure this was real. Everyone would have a lot of catching up to do today.


	3. Chapter 3

Cas noticed the staring and the not-so-subtle constant glances at him. It was like Dean couldn't keep his eyes off of Cas since he'd been back. Sam had just gone through the highlights of Cas's story and explained what had happened in the bunker and on the road since Castiel had left all those months ago, and then left with a swift goodbye to do some more research. Dean. Dean, who had questioned everyone for his location. Dean, who had prayed every night and day, infrequently and often in tears. Dean, who had almost summoned him against his will until Sam threw away the ingredients and knocked Dean into his senses.

Cas looked up at him now and caught one of his stares with those puppy-dog eyes. After such an absence, how could Dean and Sam let him back in their lives so easily and freely?

'Dean, why am I still here?'

'What kind of question is that? You belong here, this is our home.'

'No... I mean... Why are you allowing me to come back so free of hardship? I left you and your brother for dead over foolish comments from a liquor-induced stupor. I don't understand.' He said it like a question.

'Cas, lighten up on the vocabulary, this isn't the 4th grade Spelling Bee. And we're letting you back in because we care about you. And... It was my fault you left... I need to make up for that and help you be happy in the meantime.'

Cas walked over to Dean and put a hand on his shoulder, the same shoulder where his handprint would be indefinitely because Castiel had raised him from Hell and left a mark on Dean that would never leave. When the nights had been tough for Dean and he missed Cas the most, he would walk over to the mirror and make sure Cas wasn't just a dream. He had to be real and Dean had to know that Castiel wasn't just some made-up bedtime story that he had tortured himself with every night. Dean would constantly rub the handprint and look at it in the mirror. He needed that reassurance that Cas might come back. And now he had, and he was more than Dean could have hoped for.

'It isn't all your fault. Thats final,' Cas said while squinting his eyes. 'You need to know that you didn't break our friendship. I was the one who has done terrible things and I was the one who left.' Cas walked away and sat down on the brown leather couch and just seemed... Tired. Weary from coming back and dealing with the pain all over again. This time was better, though, because Dean was making an effort to care.

Dean watched Castiel while he sat there and slowly relaxed a bit more. Dean, on the other hand, was slowly getting more worked up. 'We missed you. There was a hole, Cas. I don't even know why I have to tell you this, but you seem to want to make it harder on yourself.' His voice was getting louder as he walked in front of Cas. 'We didn't know what to do-I didn't know what to do. It's like I was lost and missing an arm or something. I wandered around for days just waiting for you to come back so I could apologize. Sam was worried sick because I hadn't eaten anything, and I just sat on the couch all day, waiting for you to walk through the door or reappear into the living room. Cas, you're as important as my arm. And it felt like shit when you left. Like I finally messed up bad enough to make you leave for good. Sometimes, I didn't even know if you were real anymore or just one of my nightmares. You had me worried and you just don't understand that.' Dean finished his speal, exasperated and glad he finally could tell someone how it felt. The only someone who mattered.

It took Cas a while to sort through all that had been said. His head was down and his eyes were moving back and forth trying to process the sentiments. When he finally looked up, he was crying.

'Hey... no... I didn't mean to make you cry... Don't cry...' Dean tried to comfort him the best he could, putting a hand on Cas's back and another on his knee. Cas cupped his hands and covered his face with them.

'I'm so sorry for leaving...' Cas whispered, drawing in a ragged breath. So quietly that Dean had trouble hearing him and leaned in closer. 'I just got hurt and... dammit, Dean... I thought you stopped caring about me. I thought I was just bothering you all the time. You didn't need me...'

'Cas, Cas, Cas, woah slow down. Don't be sorry for leaving, only for staying gone. And I need you. I didn't mean to hurt you... I kept saying sorry so many times that I forgot what it meant. It stopped sounding like a word, stopped sounding good enough. I just want you to know it's okay now.' By now he was whispering and rubbing Cas's back, 'It'll be okay now.'


	4. Chapter 4

When Dean went to bed he thought his nightmares would finally be over. Cas was sleeping in the other room and was completely safe. No torturing, no falling, no bruises. He was okay and Dean would protect him. He almost asked Cas to sleep in his room tonight to make sure that he wouldn't leave again and to keep an eye on the angel. Of course, Sam shot down that idea since he didn't know Dean's feelings about Cas. Hell, Dean didn't even know his feelings about Cas. He was his best friend in the entire world and meant so much to him but that just seemed so inadequate in describing this feeling. Like they belonged in each other's lives, to protect and save one another no matter what. Like a life-debt with a heaping side of friendship. That seemed about right.

When Dean finally drifted to sleep, it was short and exhausting. He awoke with a shout and his face was wet with tears. Cas was sitting on the bed, staring down at him and looking perplexed. Dean quickly wiped away the tears and visibly relaxed from seeing Cas safe and sound.

'Dammit, Cas how long have you been sitting there,' he asked, looking slightly embarrassed.

'Dean, why are you having nightmares about me?'

Dean averted his eyes and muttered, 'Who said they were about you?'

'I heard you calling out my name an hour ago. You just kept saying-well, I suppose you were shouting, almost, "Cas! No!" and so I came in here to see what was happening. Then you started thrashing about and eventually you broke down and were crying. What were your nightmares about,' he questioned again. Cas was looking more and more confused as he pressed the matter on.

There was a moment of silence and then Dean gave in, saying, 'Fine, if I'm going to tell you about the nightmares then I might as well tell you about all of them and what I've been going through, so listen up and don't get all sappy on me.' Dean rolled his eyes. 'We aren't gonna tell sob stories and cry into our pillows about being ditched for prom, ' he said sarcastically and Castiel just nodded, clearly not understanding the sarcasm but focusing on the main topic, instead.

'It all started out the night after you left… I wanted to apologize and I started to miss you, so I was in a bad place… and it only got worse after that. After a couple of weeks, I started having these dreams and it was just you, sitting there, being an idiot, and that was it. Then, they started continually getting worse…' Dean went over the details of his nightmares while Cas nodded along and processed it all. Finally, Dean talked about tonights nightmare. 'You were chained to a chair, your trench coat all bloodied, and you had a slight beard. You looked so tired, man, like it was physically difficult to look you in the eyes without feeling drained, myself. You just looked completely done with everything and you had given up. The chains were tight across you and I tried to pull them off you but my hands passed right through you, as usual. Then, I was chained down in a chair as well. It was opposite of yours and I was really confused because, usually, I can move freely around. Then… Raphael showed up in a burst of light and when that light had cleared, I could see your wings. Cas, they were so fuckin' huge, I swear you could've covered a building with those babies. Do you have wings right now?'

'Yes. I always have my wings. Humans just can't perceive them,' Cas stated. "Now, continue with the story. Raphael was there?'

'Yea, man, and I wanted to kill that son of a bitch so badly. I was going against my chains, and I can still feel it right now. He pulled out a knife and started doing a number on your face and chest, I think that's when I started shouting. T-then… God, Cas, it was terrible,' Dean said, shuddering. 'Then, he wiped blood all over your wings and started plucking each of the feathers out. Your screams were freakin' deafening. Each feather was a shockwave of pain and yelling. I was sobbing and praying and cursing Raphael like crazy. I could tell it hurt you so badly… and… then, I must have woken up. It was like going through the pain myself, except ten times worse. I wanted to take your place so badly...' Dean tried blinking away the onslaught of tears, but it was useless. He covered his face with his hands while he was crying and Cas tentatively put his hand on Dean's back like Dean had done to him yesterday.

Dean was whispering and so Cas leaned in to hear. 'I was… I was begging him to let me take your place… I needed to take your place… I deserved it… They always torture you in my dreams, now… I just want to protect you…'

'Dean,' Cas cooed, 'it's okay now. It'll all be okay because it wasn't real. It wasn't real, okay? Look at me, I'm okay.'

Dean stared at him for a long while, tears streaming down his face. Then, he hugged Cas and they both laid down. Cas had his arm around Dean and was looking at his hair; how it stuck up and all the individual strands. It was hazel and auburn and chocolate, fading in and out of one another as it caught different variations of light. Dean was an ever-changing sculpture, stoic and then his face could break into a laugh or a cry. He had so many different emotions and he changed so much but he would always be Dean. Finally, Dean's breathing slowed down and he was asleep. Angels didn't need much sleep but Cas remembered the last time that Dean caught Cas staring at him when he was asleep. So, Cas decided to try. He matched his breaths to Dean's and was comforted by the heat coming off of him. Eventually he drifted to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

When Sam walked by Dean's room before his morning jog he noticed that Dean wasn't alone in his bed. Peeking his head in, he whispered, 'Did you bring a girl in he-oh…' He was taken aback a moment and reassessed the situation. Dean and Cas had always been really close but were they really cuddling? Sam thought that might be too 'touchy-feely' for Dean, but whatever floats his boat, right? He tried to not make any assumptions although he was pretty sure he knew what was happening here; he always knew that Dean and Cas had a more 'profound bond' but this is not what he pictured when they mentioned it before.

'Wakey-wakey, sunshines! Didn't know you guys were into cuddling,' Sam said with a smirk.

Castiel just looked to Dean to explain the situation, since he still didn't know what last night had meant towards their bonding. Dean just groaned when he heard Sam and a muffled, 'itstooearlyforthissammy,' came from near Cas's shoulder.

'Well, it's too early for PDA, too but you guys seem to have no problem there,' Sam shot back.

Finally, Dean lifted himself up and he seemed to register what Sam was saying now. He rubbed his eyes and glinted in the light of the all-too-early morning. 'Oh… well, I guess this does look kind of bad. I had a nightmare and was telling Cas about it, and he was helping me when I passed out from exhaustion.'

Sam remembered trying to help out with Dean's nightmares when they had began and felt replaced, somehow. No, that wasn't the word. Not good enough, he supposes, because he could never help Dean no matter how hard he tried. And he had tried everything. From pills to warm milk to sleeping next to him to having Dean vent to him and they all had failed miserably. Now, Cas shows up and suddenly Dean is cured? Cas was the focus of Deans nightmares, but it still hurt a bit.

'So, you think Cas is curing you,' he questioned, trying to see if his inadequacy was rightly judged.

'I think so! When he was here with me, I didn't have a single nightmare! Sammy, it was wonderful. Maybe the best sleep I've had in months,' he said enthusiastically.

Sam was still trying to grasp how this would work. 'So, is this sleeping arrangement with you two permanent? Are you gonna be sleeping together from now on?'

'I'm not sure,' Dean said. 'Cas, do you think we should? Or is this way too weird?'

'I'm always happy to help in whatever way possible,' Cas stated. Dean had a huge grin about that, nearly showing all of his teeth in the process. He was finally going to be rid of his constant nightmares and lack of sleep!

'So this is going to be a bit weird to walk by every morning,' Sam said. 'But its gotta be way better than being woken up 20 times a night by your screaming,' he said, laughing.

'Bitch.'

'Jerk.'

They both smiled and looked at Cas expectantly.

'What am I supposed to say, again?' He looked perplexed, like it was on the tip of his tongue.

'What you said to Michael before we locked him and Lucifer and Sam and Adam in hell,' Dean explained, still feeling a twinge of guilt about Adam.

'Assbutt?'

'Yea, let's try this again then, we're Team Free Will, remember?'

'Sammy, do we have to go through the whole bonding thing right now?'

'Cmon, Dean, it's good for you,' he joked.

'Fine. Bitch.'

'Jerk.'

'Assbutt.'

'Now, we're finally all back together again. I like it better this way,' Sam said.

Dean glanced at Cas quickly and then looked away, smiling. 'Me too.'


End file.
